It has been a very tough week – it’s amazing what comes out when you start to write things down……
My Masquerade Ball
I put on a smile for the whole world to see, so as not to reveal to them the real me.
The demons I hide, the voices in my head, screaming ‘come on slit your wrists you’d be better off dead’.
The noise is unbearable, the racket insane, is it really just something wrong with my brain?
I’ve heard it been said it’s the devil inside, having his fun, dragging me along for the ride.
I’m drained, I’m exhausted, I have no more to give, but somewhere inside I know I must live.
So I put on my smile like at a Masquerade Ball, to hide all my tears like there’s nothing wrong at all.
I want to be happy so give them all a grin, I know my smile will hold it all in.
I shall play, I shall sing and give it my all, but the devil is still dancing with me at my Masquerade Ball.
But at what point can I stop smiling and playing the part, of a happy new mother who is happy at heart.
My mind is so broken, chaotic, confused, but I must dig real deep so I do not lose.
Because if I lose the smile, surely they will all know, how ashamed I am for feeling so low.
I am disgusted and hate what I have become, when all I wanted was to be a mum.
I have a beautiful daughter who’s healthy and bright, she is so well behaved and sleeps through the night.
My husband he helps me take care of the chores, and tidies the explosion of toys on the floor.
But why is it then my world has fallen apart, no control of my emotions, was I damned from the start?
To suffer in silence feeling isolated and alone, afraid to walk out the door to leave my home.
My home has become like a prison for me, scared if I venture out someone I know I might see.
They will ask if I’m ok and is motherhood everything I’d planned, isn’t life just amazing and fantastically grand.
I will put on my smile and politely say, ‘yes I’m having such a wonderful day!’
‘Every moment is precious and fills me with love, it’s hard but it’s worth it and I thank heaven above’.
I desperately want to feel this wonderful bliss, enjoying every little cuddle and kiss.
But the truth is far darker and I know I can’t say, I just want to pack up my bags and run far away.
They don’t want to hear how I am destroyed inside, my marriage is suffering as emotions collide.
I know it will pass as that’s what you get told, you will break free from this demon and away from the cold.
Don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t change a thing, my daughter is here and truly a blessing.
But until I am free from popping pills and the dread, caused by the voices running riot in my head.
I am under the devils dark and relentless rule, smiling and having fun at my Masquerade Ball.
I will wear a smile, the tears it will stop, until the demons inside me are all but forgot.